Turn the Beehive into a Prison - Collins
The Beehive will be converted into the Wellington Central Prison, Corrections Minister Judith Collins announced today. Ministers of the Crown will move their offices into shipping containers on the lawn outside Parliament.
"The proposal will result in significant cost savings for the taxpayer, and members of John Key's Government will be housed in offices fitting their station" said Judith Collins.
Ms Collins noted the Beehive already possessed useful security features.
"Due to the circular design, anyone attempting to escape via the lift will not be certain as to what direction they are facing. Security cameras are already in place throughout the building."
"As all entrances of the Beehive are already equipped with metal detectors and security scanners, little additional expenditure will be required in order to turn the Beehive into a correctional facility."
"As New Zealanders expect of a National Government, we are thinking about lowering costs, and not much else."
Ms Collins was also enthusiastic about the idea of using shipping crates for ministerial offices. "I will support anything so long as it has a heat pump"
"The lack of windows is a great advantage, particularly when eggs are an occupational hazard."
The current parliamentary cafe, Bellamy's, will need to be significantly upgraded in order to serve prison food to the required standard.
Prime Minister John Key was shocked at the high cost of ministerial offices. "That is an outrageous sum of money, that is more than the average cost of the average New Zealand home. I can't see that the public are going to support a situation where politicians are going to be put in an office that cost more than their house," Mr Key said.
When asked whether the crates would allow the Prime Minister to remove ministers by truck in the middle of the night, Mr Key declined to comment.
Rethinking Crime and Punishment director Kim Workman questioned whether it was humane to inflict a building of questionable 1970s taste on prisoners. "I guess one advantage of having ministers housed in the crates is that the entire cabinet can be shipped off to the Hague if that becomes necessary."
All the quotes above are made up for the purpose of taking the piss. With the minister supporting downright silly ideas, serious comment is more than it deserves. We only need more prison space because politicians from both the major parties have legislated for longer and longer sentences. So it seems entirely appropriate a prison is build in their own backyard.